I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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