Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
