I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize