First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
40s are totally the cure
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
