I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
