can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
