got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
