dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
