I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
