yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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