Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
