And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize