Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
