I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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