Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
