I just pynch a tree in the face
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
