my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
MIDGETS
????
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
