Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
