I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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