I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
