it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Randomize
