i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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