Just mADE A PArabola og urine
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
