I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
