I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
