Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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