She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
