I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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