they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
