Umm I'm too high to move.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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