well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
