i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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