i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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