I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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