Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize