I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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