I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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