I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
