my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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