i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
porn star boner night. come get it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
