did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
