woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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