I think my fart just growled at me.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
