I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
