I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
