Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Couch. On fire.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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