I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
