PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
