6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
MIDGETS
????
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
