My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
