You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
