Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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