seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
