Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Houston, we have a squirter
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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