my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
