I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
