i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Barsexuality is the new black.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
NoShamevember. You game?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
