So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
