ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
