I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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