my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize